just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
