Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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