Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
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Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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