He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
