Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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