Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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