there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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