the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
someone owes me an orgasm
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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