It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
