i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
