I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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