New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
