between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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