last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
