You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
