would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
