You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
