i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
