when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
