how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
