I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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