i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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