i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
