I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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