Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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