I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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