Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Don't make out with my wife yet
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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