How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
