I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
