when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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