hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
