i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
