Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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