I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
