I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
