I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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