i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
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How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
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He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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