Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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