hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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