i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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