last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
