i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
