Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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