The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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