i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
