I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
