are you so shy because you have an std?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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