We won't sleep together?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
