when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
