I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
