well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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