I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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