Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
