My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Let's get the cat blown out
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
