I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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