Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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